Are birds real? Are you more real than birds? Are you more real than me?
Katya conducted a survey on reality and drew a few surprising conclusions.
My friend Clara likely has aphantasia, a condition where one is "mind-blind". When Clara closes her eyes, she sees blackness, and when asked to imagine an object, a bird, or me (her bestest friend Katya), she still sees blackness.
Clara, who has always excelled in school and at work, has a reduced capacity for mental imagery and instead thinks in words.
Clara and I recently discovered that we think so differently from each other that we can't even comprehend how the other person thinks. This discovery was made last week. This discovery was surprising, given that we have talked almost every day for over a decade.
"Can you really imagine an apple?" Clara asked.
"Yes, can you really not?"
Clara & Clarity
I daydream and night-dream so vividly that sometimes I question reality.
When I asked Clara if she ever questions what is real and what is not, she said no, of course not.
"Must be nice," I remarked, and instantly wondered what goes on in the minds of my other friends.
Curious, I surveyed my friends about the concept of reality in order to gain insight into their thoughts.
Impatient girlies send chaotic surveys
If, like me, you are highly curious and enjoy learning quickly, technology is likely something for which you are grateful. Whenever I need to learn something, I want to start acquiring knowledge ASAP. Using technology as a learning tool often helps me achieve this goal.
In this case, I really wanted to know how all of my friends thought ASAP.
Do my friends ever question whether moments are real? Do they feel real themselves? What do they do to make a moment feel more real? What if they are one of those people who think birds are not real? What if like Clara, they can’t imagine birds?????? I had to know.
I could have waited to see each person individually and then found some awkward way to fit this topic into our catch-ups in person. “Yes, yes, things are great. So, anyway, can YOU see an apple when you close your eyes? Because my friend Clara….”
But since I am me… a psychology major turned Director of Product who loves surveys and is also an unapologetically chaotic texter… I created a Google Form survey on Clara’s couch. Then, I sent it without context to the first 25 people who appeared in my texts. Technology!
My friends took the survey without question because it's so Katya, nobody was surprised. While I wasn't surprised by their quick responsiveness and support, I was caught off-guard and moved by their responses.
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Survey results - Real Recognizes Real
My survey is simple - 4 questions. You can take it yourself here.
As one goal was to learn about my smart and creative friends, I felt satisfied after obtaining 25 results. This felt representative of my friends, as I have approximately 25 of them.
As almost everyone expressed excitement to see the results, I realized that I'm not the only one who finds this topic fascinating. Therefore, I am sharing the results:
Do you feel more real or less than others?
I expected more friends to choose "I feel the same amount of real as others" as their response.
The real insight for me here is that 37.5% of my friends question their own reality compared to others. I'm not the only weirdo who sometimes questions my own reality! Are you reading this, Clara?
Follow ups:
I asked my friends to explain what they meant by "real" since I had not defined it in the question.
"Less real" means less intense, less impactful, less worthy, less recognizable, or it means disconnected.
On “more real”, I enjoyed these responses:
“I feel more real just from the fact that I have an inner monologue that I can't access with others.”
“When I was a kid (until I was 14 or so) I felt more real than other people - like they were characters in my story. Getting older changed that perspective”.
I asked friends who feel “less real” if they wanted to feel “more real”. Most said yes. Some said no.
I asked a variety of friends if they like to surround themselves with people who are more real or less real than themselves, most people said “similar” but some people said “more real”. Real recognizes real!
What do you do after something happens in order to make it feel more real?
My friends are social creatures; they each have at least one friend (me!), so it makes sense that most of them want to talk to someone after something happens to make it feel more real.
Only 4 friends chose “nothing - everything feels real.” (Take that, Clara!)
My friends tend to question the reality of moments more than they question their own sense of reality.
Most of my friends are not active on social media, so it did not surprise me that only 1 person chose social media.
I am curious if surveying influencers would lead to different results.
Even though many of my friends draw with me, only 2 people talked about drawing.
Most friends process moments by talking them out, looking at photographs of them, and doing introspective work such as journaling.
I am curious about the potential differences that would arise if I were to survey only artists, photographers, or writers.
Do you enjoy taking my surveys and reading my results? I can make this a monthly event - send a survey via email about an interesting topic and then write about the results. Subscribers would have access to the survey first. Let me know what you think!
Is Katya real?
There is something unique about me compared to my friends. I am a refugee. As a refugee, I was forced to leave my home country and uproot my entire life..
Perhaps my background is relevant when I say that I have questioned my reality a lot.
"Did that really happen?" I often asked myself upon waking up in America. My old home, with all its vivid memories replaying in my head at all times, felt more real than my new home.
I had to remind myself repeatedly that I now live in America and I was now an American girl. To make sense of it all, I kept a journal, took pictures, and drew. It required a lot of effort.
Curiosity did NOT kill this Kat
Many people, even those in New York like my friends, never encounter someone with experiences similar to mine. There are far more refugees and migrants than people who try to befriend and understand them. As a child, feeling surrounded by people whom I did not understand and who did not understand me, I felt less real.
This is why I feel it's important to write about my experiences on this Substack. Recently, I've also started publishing children's books about refugees to raise awareness and promote understanding. You can support my mission by sharing my Substack or ordering my book here.
One major lesson I learned early on is that your entire reality can change in an instant.
This raised questions for me:
What is reality? Am I real? And who am I really, if everything about me can change?
In Only Murders in the Building, a show I recommend, a character mourns his brother and muses, “Sometimes I think a person's just a... collection of a thousand little details.” I've often expressed the same sentiment.
But if this is true, what happens if all of those details abruptly change? Does a person with a thousand different details remain the same person?
Who are we, if not defined by our environment, acquaintances, actions, speech, attire, diet, entertainment, literature, and knowledge? If we were placed in an entirely different context—with different surroundings, people, culture, diet, nature, and even air—wouldn't we arrive at a different sense of self? This would feel disorienting.
That is why it's important to remain curious, not just about your surroundings and what society tells you to do, but about yourself as well. It's useful to identify which aspects of your personality and values remain consistent, no matter the context.
For me, curiosity is a key personality trait and value. People can take away a lot from me: my home, my loved ones, my details. But they can't take away my curiosity.
I now feel more real more frequently. Despite struggling with anxiety and dissociation, I have managed to survive by maintaining a relentless curiosity and questioning everything. Big life changes can happen to anyone at anytime, so it's crucial to remain curious about reality. Through my own experiences, I've learned that doing so is both wise and beneficial.
Who are you, if not the sum of your parts?
Who are you really? What is the "self"? Is it one thing? I argue no.
There is no central point that defines "you". Even if we are best friends, I cannot pinpoint the exact spot on you that feels most like "you". You probably cannot do this for your own self (if you can, please tell me where in your body "yourself" lies. Sometimes I think it's in the gut because of how often I feel it tingling).
Scientifically, we have not discovered a place in the brain where everything comes together. As far as we know, the brain is more like a subway map, a distributed network. Many parts of the brain process many inputs. For example, the thalamus is often referred to as the brain's "relay station" because it sorts and transmits sensory and motor signals to and from different parts of the cortex. Additionally, the basal ganglia and the limbic system play crucial roles in integrating different types of information. They all work together, and there is no central station in the brain that points to one specific place.
Science suggests that every aspect of your internal and external environment plays a role in defining who you are. No single part of your inside or outside is more "you" than any other.
Philosophically, I believe that you are the sum of many real things mixed together.
You are your values and your quirks and your looping thoughts.
You are the people you interact with, the food you eat, the places you spend time in, the furniture you sit on, the TV show episode you've watched more than a few times, the books you reread, and even the trees you pass by most often.
Why is the sum better than one central self?
We are resilient.
Biologically, we are more physically resilient because our "self" does not reside in one specific spot. Nobody can easily hurt us by knowing our power-off switch.
Since the self isn’t one specific trait, you are more emotionally resilient! You don’t need to define yourself with one big thing and breakdown if it changes. You can adapt.
We have control.
You are the sum of many micro-decisions and moments, rather than a few major decisions and events. You can control these micro-decisions.
What is guiding your micro-decisions? Are you being as thoughtful about them as bigger decisions?
If you are the sum of your parts, are you adding up and internalizing positive things or negative things?
We can change.
If you surround yourself with the same things and keep making the same decisions, how can you change?
You can change yourself by changing little pieces of your life, bit by bit.
If we can change, then other people can also change. I find this the most hopeful part of it all. Communities can gradually change for the better. I have seen this firsthand.
This is all very inspiring and motivating, especially if you are prone to feeling hopeless and stuck. It is comforting that you create your true self. You decide what is the sum, from which parts you make the equation of you.
“Your true self is not something you will have to go searching for, as a mystery that you might never find. The extent you have a true self is something in part you discover and in part you create. And that is an exciting and liberating prospect” - philosopher Julian Baggini.
How to stay curious and curate your self
Resilience, control, and change all manifest when you explore your curiosity and take action or reach a conclusion that feels right.
Through the survey and subsequent conversations, I learned a lot about how my current go-getter, smart, and creative community uses curiosity to distinguish between what is real and what is not.
To summarize our collective advice: stay curious, stay present, and take small steps to feel better.
Below are some more gems from the survey:
If you struggle to feel as real as others,
Instead of avoiding the feeling, it is helpful to explore this feeling further. Are there certain situations or experiences that make you feel more or less real? Keep track. Take little actions to get closer to the feeling you desire.
How are you defining “realness”? Maybe it is your definition that needs to change.
Do you feel like you need to be more real? Not everyone does. If you're wishing you felt more intense or impactful like other people, don't let it get you down. Jennifer Egan, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, often felt not as real as others but she does not value to feeling real. She's way more interested in other people's lives than her own, and this helps her be a better journalist and fiction novelist. Perhaps this aspect of yourself is actually an asset!
If you struggle to have moments feel real after the fact,
Engaging in activities that help you process the moment can be helpful.
For example, after experiencing a notable moment, you can journal about it, talk it out with friends or loved ones, look back at photographs of it, draw it, or even indulge in a dessert.
“Feeling real is about actually taking time to consider things. What just happened and how you are feeling/felt.”
One person wrote about how staying present is key.
“For me, if I wait until after for it to “feel more real” then it is too late. “Being present” is now usually my goal. Getting good sleep (although obvious) helps. Mindfulness, breathing practices can help. And also going into activities with intentionality.”
If you struggle when you feel too real,
It may be because you are acutely aware of the world around you and the impact it has on your emotions. It is important to remember that your ability to experience the world in this intense way can be a gift, and with practice, you can learn to channel your emotions in a safer and productive manner.
Personally, when I feel overwhelmed by reality, I become very uncomfortable and want to disappear. This usually happens when too many people are focusing on me, or when I say something that clearly impacts others more than I expected, and I feel as though I have too much power. It can also happen when something huge occurs and it feels like a scene out of a movie happening to the main character.
One strategy I have learned is to prioritize self-care and mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling. These practices help me ground myself in the present moment and then effectively manage my overwhelming emotions.
When in doubt, choose empathy and kindness towards others over your own current feelings.
One quote I loved from the survey said, “I make an effort to imagine that everyone feels as real to themselves as I do to myself, though I can easily be convinced that everything is a simulation and so my experience is the only one that actually exists/matters, but I don’t find that as useful in aligning myself with my values (kindness etc) so I repress it.”
If you’re prone to anxious or panicked thoughts,
It can be difficult to distinguish reality or to feel present and connected to the world.
Jennifer Egan discusses how writing helped her feel more grounded during panic attacks. In a similar vein, what simple activities or practices can you engage in to help yourself feel better?
If the previous advice on journaling, talking to friends, and drawing doesn't provide enough help, you may want to consider using easily accessible technology.
Tools such as my Reframe tool can assist you in reframing negative thoughts and cultivating a more positive outlook. I created the Reframe My Thoughts website specifically for this purpose. If you are struggling with a negative thought that feels very real and you struggle to challenge yourself, or if you are anxious and doubting something's reality, you can try my free tool. Simply input your thought, and watch it be told back to you in a more positive way. I do not store anything so this thought will be kept private and will disappear with a refresh. Reading the response will get you out of your head and help you feel more present. You can then choose to believe this more positive version.
Choose joy & serenity
To stay healthy and resilient, it's important to accept that you're a real person, create your own identity, and choose which moments you accept as reality. This might seem daunting, but it's actually great news! It means you can choose to focus on the positive aspects of your story. You have the power to feel joy and serenity about yourself, your story, and your life!
We experience a variety of moments every day, but not every one needs to define who we are. It's important to consider whether the moments we are accumulating are positive or negative. Are we cultivating our most joyful and serene selves? If not, how can we start? Perhaps it's by creating as many joyful and serene moments as possible, because yes, we can choose to do that. Or maybe it's by closing our eyes and imagining the reality we are working towards.
My friend Kiley stresses the significance of establishing a positive narrative, irrespective of the situation. She ponders over a moment until she arrives at the most optimistic interpretation of events. This does not involve lying or exaggerating. It is about choosing to believe in the good intentions of herself, other people, and the world. As Kiley has faith in good intent, versions of events that assume good intent feel more authentic to her. I've noticed that Kiley is often a happy and resilient person, and therefore I believe everyone should follow her advice.
Similarly, another friend offered this quote “I think the overarching theme is that I try to make memories feel real through story telling, whether it’s on paper, to a friend, or just in my own head. I replay it until I can put it into a sequence of cause-effects that make sense to me (“he said this because of this, I reacted this way” etc) and when that’s all figured out, I can put it away in a nice memory box and move on.” The key word for me here is “nice”. You might need a memory box and to move on, so you can stop looping about something that happened. If you’re going to need to have a memory box, why not make it a nice pretty box full of nice pretty memories?
If you're doubting my philosophy and advice because it feels easier to see truth in the bad, consider this counter argument: we humans will believe anything. Whether we try or not, we tend to believe our version of events. For instance, some people believe that they’re more real than birds! Birds aren’t real!
It's all about what you choose to believe about yourself over and over again until it becomes your reality and your story.
The same applies to the outside world. What will you choose to believe about this world? Will you believe good intent?
I leave you with this conundrum:
Clara has lived her entire life in a world where she cannot close her eyes and imagine an apple, or see anything in her mind's eye. She believes that nobody can really do that, and that we just say we can. I feel responsible for shattering her world. So... what now? What should we tell her?
As for the rest of us, I invite you to imagine a reality where we can picture not just any apple, but the most vivid, incredibly juicy, and wonderfully crisp apple imaginable.
Thank you for reading my writing. I want to express my gratitude to Clara for challenging my perspectives, my friend Alexa for encouraging me to write, and all my other friends who help me process and question the world, and learn more about it.
Let's continue this discussion! Feel free to write to me or leave a comment.
Connecting with friends is a joyful experience, so I invite you to share my writing with them and start a conversation about how you think and your thoughts on reality. Who knows, you may find yourself both intrigued and inspired to conduct your own reality check via survey!
Loved this post, Mabel.
— Charles