From Everyday Coffee to Special Half-Birthdays: What Our Rituals Say About Us
Katya's October Survey Uncovers Surprisingly Quirky Rituals. She's Sold — Let's Embrace Them Globally!
When is your half-birthday? Do you know the answer right away, or did you pause and count the months?
I know my half-birthday by heart, and so do my loved ones. This is because I have a ritual of celebrating my half-birthday.
One of the most memorable classes I took in college was "Rituals" in the Anthropology department. This course explores the role of rituals as tangible manifestations of religious beliefs. As part of the class, we conducted fieldwork by actively participating in a recurring ritual of our choosing. I chose to observe a fraternity, which never failed to captivate (and disappoint) me. Regardless of their faith, morals, or lack thereof, humans will always find social rituals to participate in. No matter our beliefs or backgrounds, we all gravitate towards finding meaning in these repeated acts. I find great satisfaction in dissecting and studying these rituals to gain a deeper understanding of them.
To study rituals, on my half-birthday, of course, I conducted a survey within my community. This post is part of my monthly series where I explore a range of fascinating topics. In this installment, I’m thrilled to unveil the findings from my October Rituals survey. Keep reading for quirky, unheard-of, and touching stories shared by some truly incredible people. You might just find a new ritual you'll want to adopt yourself!
What are rituals?
Rituals are the structured behaviors we engage in, often with symbolic meaning or reference to beliefs in mystical forces. These rituals serve various purposes, such as helping us navigate life's transitions, reinforcing our sense of community, and creating order and meaning in our lives. From personal rituals like morning routines to cultural and religious ceremonies like weddings and funerals, rituals are a regular part of human existence. They provide a sense of continuity, control, and significance to individuals and communities alike. Overall, rituals play a significant role in social transitions, community bonding, and expressing fundamental beliefs and values.
This is my definition based on writings from famous anthropologists including Victor Turner, Clifford Geertz, Arnold van Gennep, Bronisław Malinowski, Mary Douglas, and Dimitris Xygalatas. But most people can recognize a ritual even without studying anthropology and knowing how to explain why they do it.
What counts as a ritual?
I was curious to see what my community defined as rituals.
In my survey, I did not provide a specific definition of rituals. Instead, I asked the question, "Describe a ritual you do, whether alone or with friends or family."
My intention was twofold: 1) to determine if this question was easy for respondents to answer, and 2) to understand how people distinguish between a ritual and simply a routine activity.
I quickly learned that in my community, rituals can occur at different frequencies, including daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. These rituals are associated with religion, food, and personal reflections.
Here are some examples of rituals that people have shared!
Daily rituals provide my friends with a reason to wake up in the morning.
Morning routines
Many people count the first coffee of the day as a ritual!
“Every morning I make a latte. In the winter it's hot and in the summer it's iced. I also have a large collection of syrups and I feel like I sort of set the intention of the day that way. Do I want a spicy day? Let's add some cinnamon. An interesting day? Let's combine a few flavors and try something new. After my coffee is made, I set it on my desk and then open my blinds to start the day.” - Tiffany
Working in New York without being caffeinated at all times is challenging. I write this as I sip my second coffee of the morning.
Journaling every morning for a few pages or 20 minutes is a popular ritual.
Other people play games!
The first thing that came to mind was playing word games in the morning! I play a bunch of NY Times games - Wordle, Connections, Spelling Bee - in the morning, during my commute and sometimes even in the few minutes between when my alarm goes off and when I get out of bed. It's something small to look forward to each day (even in the early mornings!) - Stephanie
Some people’s morning rituals are longer routines with many parts.
“Every morning starts with feeding the cat. Then I put on a pot of coffee. I putter while it brews. When it’s ready I prepare my first cup “cafe numero uno”. Then I drink it while doing The NY Times crossword puzzle on my couch. Then I go to the bathroom. Then back to the kitchen to make “cafe numero dos.” I drink that one on the couch while doing the NYT mini crossword. Then the Spelling Bee until I’m totally stuck, when I do the Connections game and possibly Wordle. That’s how I start every single day.” - Jessica
Kudos to Jessica. She’s the only one mentioning the bathroom.
Most people have solitary morning routines, but some people start their day by catching up with loved ones.
My friend Helen FaceTimes her mom during her morning walk to work!
Weekly rituals often revolve around hobbies and religious practices.
Many people have a day of the week tied to a ritual.
Some of my Jewish friends, like my friend Anya, appreciate expressing gratitude every Friday Shabbat.
My friends Ian and Alexa frequent a jazz bar every single Sunday.
Hobbies add routines to my friend’s weeks.
Helen loves her various yoga classes depending on the day.
My friend Sara turns into a gym mermaid once a week. “I go full aquatic - swim, hot tub, steam, sauna, shower in the basement of equinox late at night once a week”.
One of my friends makes a point to listen to new music every Friday.
Monthly brunches keep my friends accountable socially.
“My best friends and I would go out for monthly brunches where we’d pick a theme and make a day of it. It always started with picking a restaurant that had a good brunch deal and fit the vibes, then we had to each find or make our costumes which we’d wear to brunch and then we also usually planned an after-brunch activity which also tied into the theme. For example in October we did “Spooky Brunch” where we all had to wear our most goth all-black looks and then we went to an oddities flea market after we brunched at an appropriately spooky bar. Sometimes our monthly themes were more simple (“florals for spring?…groundbreaking”) or abstract — for our museum themes we’d all show up for brunch dressed up as our favorite exhibits/artworks (some of us in full face paint) and then visited the museum and took pictures with our inspiration afterwards. It was so fun!” - Victoria
“Me and two of my college friends have a monthly brunch we call “Second Saturday’s” where we try to have a breakfast together to catch up at least once a month. The name Second Saturday’s isn’t always true to the particular Saturday we meet, but it’s a good reminder - if the second Saturday of the month rolls around and we have yet to make plans, it’s time to check in!” - Alexa
Yearly rituals are bigger in scale.
Many people consider unique family holiday traditions as rituals.
“Every birthday/ Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day, etc my siblings and I write a note to my parents in the same book. Every occasion we are then adding a page to a story that celebrates them, their lives, and our relationships with them.” - Courtney
“Every Xmas, we collect tree stumps from the Xmas tree pickup area. I would get sad as a child because I thought the stumps were getting left behind and forgotten for Xmas. My mom started putting these toy knit fairies on them on the night of Xmas Eve, and I’d wake up to an arrangement of fairies on the stump and a little gift ‘from them.’ We carried on the tradition ever since.” - Bryony
“My father, since I was born, no matter where my brother and i are in the world, reads dramatically to us sometime in the week preceding Christmas Dr Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” - Liam
“The final decoration on the Christmas Tree at my dad's house are the Christmas Slugs! They're really long rubber fishing lures, but they live as our slugs. When I was quite young, we visited family in Washington state and I deeloped an adoration for slugs and bugs of all kinds. Not being able to take any home or find a suitable representation, my dad snagged these fishing lures and surprised me with them at Christmas that year. So, every year they get to climb and hide in the tree.” - Maren
Yearly rituals are motivated by yummy food.
“I make glühwein as soon as we reach mid-November no matter what the temperature is! I will drink my wine hot and spiced for the rest of the year even if sometimes the weather really calls for something chilled. The season is already approaching!” - Kim
“I always eat pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day!” another friend wrote.
Yearly rituals spark reflections.
“Every year I take photos of every page of the journal that I write in, and then upload them to a folder, and then I copy that folder into a different hard drive.” - my friend Alex who says he “dreads not remembering”.
I hope these stories inspired you or at least piqued your interest. Personally, I felt emotional reading them because I knew the people who wrote them.
Do rituals have historical or cultural roots?
This one surprised me! 70% of the people wrote “No”, their rituals did not have historical or cultural roots.
This made me think that people believe rituals should be unique to them and not a part of a bigger community.
I asked about uniqueness and how it relates to rituals.
Do rituals need to be unique ?
Although many of friends have very unique and interesting rituals, when I asked “Would you rather this ritual stay unique to you, or for others to do the same thing?”, nobody answered “I'd rather this be a ritual unique to me”.
Unselfish queens & kings!
“I think the beauty of a ritual is that they can be so individualized and serve each person differently on what they need.” - Survey quote.
Some individuals were indifferent to others learning about their rituals, while others had strong positive emotional attachments to sharing their rituals with others.
I personally wondered if anyone else experienced feelings of shame similar to my own when disclosing my half-birthday ritual to new people every year. To gauge their emotions, I posed a follow-up question.
How do others react to our unique rituals?
I asked my community, "Have you ever introduced someone else to your ritual? How did they react?" The responses were quite personal, with most people sharing their experiences of sharing their rituals with others.
Many people used the word "surprise" to describe how others reacted to their rituals. Some even mentioned feeling weird or being treated as "a bit odd" after sharing. One friend shared that their family felt "overwhelmed" upon learning about their ritual.
A few people expressed that others didn't really care about their rituals, with one person mentioning that their friends reacted mildly.
However, the majority of people received very positive feedback when they opened up about their rituals. They described the unanimous response as joyous and expressed the idea of bonding with others.
Based on all the responses, I now feel even more strongly that we should share our rituals with others and also inquire about their rituals. The concept of bonding was frequently mentioned, highlighting the beautiful feeling that comes with connecting with others.
Why do people partake in rituals?
To understand people's motivations for participating in repetitive rituals, I asked a few questions.
The first question was open-ended, simply asking people why they engage in these rituals.
90% of the people answered that their ritual brings them joy.
It makes sense that if people feel joy, which is not the most common feeling, they would be willing to repeat the same action in order to feel the same positive way again.
Four people mentioned that their ritual was funny. Laughing brings people joy so I count that in the same bucket.
The second question was “Do you believe rituals hold symbolic power, practical utility, neither or both?” testing the hypotheses that anthropologists I read have.
The words “power” and “utility” seemed to resonate with my community.
When people discuss power and utility, they often mention feeling healthier after engaging in rituals. This provides a compelling reason to incorporate rituals into your life, as they can promote physical, social, and/or mental well-being.
If you could invent a global ritual, what would it be?
If you agree with me about the power and benefits of rituals, you might be wondering what kind of rituals we should all participate in.
I asked my community to come up with a new global ritual, and I absolutely loved all the responses. This question was challenging, and the responses shed light on what my community desires and feels is lacking.
We crave rest.
“First hour of every day is relaxation hour” new ritual led by Clara.
Women especially crave rest. “Let women WFH every month on their period!” Courtney is leading this one. Is anyone a politician?
We crave movement.
“Have everyone in the world dance for 1 minute straight at a synchronized time of day.” Debbie is leading our 1 minute of dancing.
We crave nature.
“A mandatory night of going stargazing once a year.” Who is going stargazing with Bryony?
“5 minutes a day to look at the trees and smile”.
Sunrises and sunsets were the most common suggestions.
We crave self-love and self-gratitude.
“I would love if people had more self-celebratory rituals”.
We crave warmth and connection from others.
“A 30 minute walk talking to someone in your community (whether close or casual acquaintance) would do wonders for people. It’s good to talk and to listen and to do it while walking both introduces a physical element that’s not only good for you but also sometimes takes the pressure off of having a face to face conversation while sharing something. It’s like therapy for me (and hopefully for others too!)” Helen argues that 30 minutes of conversation can do us all good.
“People have to look each other in the eyes more freely, especially strangers.” Jessica is normalizing eye-contact with strangers.
“Once a day, to hug the person that you feel most connected to for 10 seconds at least.” Alex reminds us to show love to our loved ones.
We crave kindness.
Many mentioned a “day of kindness”. Something we can all do is “one day of mandatory public service (soup kitchen, volunteering, teaching etc)”.
Should we partake in more rituals?
I enthusiastically say “YES”.
Consider the global rituals mentioned above. Imagine how much better our lives would be if we embraced these rituals!
It's important to note that the rituals mentioned are inclusive and do not discriminate based on gender, faith, class, age, or body type.
These rituals are not bound by location either. Regardless of where you are, you can participate in these rituals. Whether you are traveling, a refugee in a new country, or a long-time resident in your hometown, you can still engage in these practices.
It doesn't matter who you are.
You, along with everyone else, can experience rest, movement, self-love, and kindness.
You and everyone else can seek solace in nature, find warmth, and foster connections with others.
“It is not too much to say that ritual is more important to society than words are to thought.” - anthropologist Mary Douglas.
Be loud with your rituals and be bold.
I'm leaving you with a piece of writing that I almost didn't plan on publishing anywhere. It's about my own half-birthday ritual.
I've decided to include it here because I believe it's important to be bold and open about our rituals. Sharing them can potentially help others enhance their days, weeks, and even years.
I’d love for you to read mine and I’d love to hear yours!
Happy Half-Birthday to Me!
I started my half-birthday ritual as a pre-teen.
Like all the best things, it started as a bit. “Twice the birthdays, twice the fun! Ha Ha”.
If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I fully commit to my bits. They add a bit of bounce to my step!
This October, I celebrated my half-birthday for an entire week. Yes, you read that right. I made twice as much effort to enjoy my half-birthday than my actual birthday.
Don't worry, I wasn't compensating for an uneventful birthday (nor am I self-obsessed, I have a point to make here, I pinky promise!). In fact, my friend Kacie hosted a fantastic party for my real birthday. This April was the best birthday party I've ever had, and I'll always remember it.
The preceding year wasn't a letdown either; it was as diverse as any other year, filled with successes, challenges, and ordinary moments.
I just celebrate my half-birthday every year. It’s my quirky ritual. You might be new here, but Katya’s half-birthday tradition is old news.
Have I ever felt ashamed of keeping up the act? Yes! Yes! This feeling has occurred nearly every year since I turned 16, when shame unfortunately became an emotion in my life. Since then, I tried to not care about my half-birthday many times.
Still, every year I learn that life is funny, especially when you have a sense of humor, and it is cyclical, especially when you’re stubborn about making a change forever.
It was not my intention to continue this bit publicly into my 20s and 30s.
One Katya truth is I just love some numbers more than other numbers and my half birthday date is one of my favorite number combinations. I get a rush every time I see the numbers on a clock. Then, I wait four more minutes for my other favorite number. Wow, we are already very intimate!
The second Katya truth is, my half-birthday week always brings me similar energy, regardless of my attempts to ignore it. This week ushers in a stronger wave of change for me than any other week in my year.
I often wonder why.. Perhaps it's because it's right before Halloween weekend, and everyone in New York is riled up to make the most of the last warm days. My friends naturally gather together anyway and romantically, it’s always an exciting time. Cuffing season?? It could be that the weather is drastically changing in New York in October and so, change is happening, whether we want it or not and this is not in our control. Or maybe it's because the trees are at their most beautiful, evoking a strong sense of gratitude for life. Regardless, I never plan a big life change every October but it happens anyway.
Every half-birthday week, I surprise both myself and my friends with the new change I’ve decided on. I've learned to warn those around me in advance. "Around this time, I turn into a witch!" I say. "Don't worry, I'm not in crisis. It's just my half-birthday energy." I’ve made big purchases, had big surgeries, expressed big feelings. I haven’t gotten bangs yet but I’m sure it’ll happen one year… It is never a boring time, there is always lots to talk about!
So, every October, I celebrate my half-birthday with my loved ones. This occasion brings me, and all who celebrate it, joy. It’s less pressure and sillier than an actual birthday. I also use this time for deep self-reflection and structured journaling to manage the emotions that this period of change brings out.