Staying Charged and Purposeful in a Draining World
Beware the Energy Vampires! (Including Yourself.)
Why is it that people, who have so much, have a hard time with Purpose?
I am lucky because, as a refugee from a very different place, I have seen the extremes of life.
This leads to a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. During those moments, I find solace in believing that my brief time on Earth is meant for observing and feeling as much as possible.
Part of observing and feeling is letting a diverse range of people into my world. I have grown up with people who have faced many misfortunes and possessed very little.
Since being accepted into strong public school programs and a top private college, I have been increasingly surrounded by privileged people who have so much. When life gets tough, they take a vacation, travel, and return with new energy. When life is hard for longer periods, they distract themselves with infinite activities, food, and drinks they enjoy. If they need help, they have plenty of people nearby who can assist and, on top of that, can afford to hire teams of helpers.
I have learned from these people. Distracting myself with travel and fun, and paying for various types of therapy, I can confirm that all of these privileges help greatly.
For example, I had a rough day at work a few Thursdays ago. It could have ruined my whole day and made me think I'm bad at everything and life is bad. Instead, I turned my day around by going to my fancy gym. I don't know what worked harder - me flopping on the elliptical or the elliptical blowing cold air on my face. Later, at a free Lincoln Center summer event for India week, I danced Garba for hours, devoured gelato, and watched RRR with friends. I went to sleep in a great mood!
This mood shift isn’t surprising.
What IS surprising, going back to those who taught me how to distract myself, is that people who have been surrounded by greatness and have achieved greatness in their own right often fumble anxiously when asked about the big questions in life.
When asked about purpose, happiness, and the deeper meaning behind their successes, they often find themselves at a loss for words. Despite their education, accomplishments, and the admiration they receive, these profound topics can leave them feeling uncertain and introspective. They struggle to articulate their thoughts and decide on a path forward. Why is this?
When things are bad
When things are bad, such as during war, it becomes very clear what is important - the survival of the people around you whom you love.
I grew up on war stories and, unfortunately, am still surrounded by current ones. I despise difficult times, but during these periods, people unite to fight for good and help each other.
In Ukraine, many people wake up every morning, determined to save as many people as possible. They know exactly what their purpose is. On Monday, July 8, Ukraine's largest children's hospital, Okhmatdyt, was destroyed, likely by a Russian missile strike. At least, 38 people have died from this.
If I sent people in this community the Purpose survey, they’d call me and my survey dumb. But they would take it quickly and know exactly what to write.
When experiencing grief
We don't need war to experience loss and face reality. Most recently, I lost someone very important to me who often obsessed over the wrong things in life. Words to describe him would be overachiever, type A, neurotic, and weirdo. Whether he accomplished his goals or not is no longer my concern. He did but it was never enough. When someone dies, all you want is for them to be alive again.
Grief presses on your chest, making it harder to breathe deeply, urgently reminding you of your own finite time and yet, how hard it can be to do the things you always wanted to do.
Grief is hard on our psyche and body because when someone who was always there is no longer present, we feel the pain of losing a source of energy and regulation.
Our nervous systems are influenced by the people around us, and the closeness of a loved one helps regulate our heart rate, blood pressure, and stress levels. Their absence means our body loses this vital source of physiological regulation.
“Hard to move on” is not just a phrase. It is harder for our body to move and for us to keep going through the motions of life with less regulation.
Our body needed that person’s body close! How dare they be as far as the ground?
Mom’s Christmas Stocking
A few Purpose survey respondents shared personal stories about losing loved ones. Grief and loss have affected their journey and filled it with purpose. Although their stories are private, their feelings are universal.
D. Wendy Strauss founded a non-profit that honors her mother, June Parker. Read her inspiring story! Inspired by June's wish to spread love and joy, Wendy and her team at Mom’s Christmas Stocking fill hundreds of Christmas stockings for women living in homeless shelters.
This initiative greatly impacts women who need extra help and joy during this vulnerable time. It also fills Wendy with a sense of purpose. By recruiting others to help, Wendy shares this feeling of purpose with them. As Wendy told me, “Over the years, this initiative has touched many people with a spark of purpose and energy, as well as those who have benefited from the gifted filled stockings.”
Healing after loss
If we are lucky, we have people who help bear the weight of grief, sharing their warmth and closeness. If we are lucky, we should show it. We should keep these people close and express gratitude often for them.
The impact of others is significant. When people step in to help, we feel more regulated.
We all regulate each other's energy and become dependent on each other in that way.
This is why funerals, wakes, shivas, and celebrations of life are so important—we give ourselves the time to lean on our community and get extra help with regulation.
When we emerge from the depths of grief, thanks to help, we can then honor those who have passed, like Wendy honors her mother. Like Wendy, we can also give back and support others.
Energy vampires
Once in a while, I meet someone wonderful who seems perfect in every way—except they turn out to be an energy vampire!!! 😱
I spend time with them, and afterward, I just want to crawl into bed, turn off the lights, and lie there in total quiet, relieved not to be with them anymore. Maybe I'll grab a snack to refuel.
This is super harsh, even coming from an introvert like me, but you might relate!
Think of a social interaction you’ve had that really drained you. Can you pinpoint the person who drained your energy and why that happened?
It can be difficult to pinpoint! Sometimes, the person is just very negative. Other times, they are way too positive, expecting you to be unnaturally positive. Sometimes, they are very boring. Other times, they think they are the most interesting person in the world. Or, wait, maybe the last two are the same person.
Sometimes, you just don’t know why you’re drained. But if it happens repeatedly, hopefully, you distance yourself from this person.
It is hard to cut out energy vampires. All ideas on how to communicate this are welcome. I don’t think “sorry, you’re draining all my energy!” is a kind thing to say.
It can be easier to distance yourself than to try to change things. Nobody wants to be the one bringing garlic to the party.
I have learned to surround myself with people who bring me energy. I call these people energy… donors???
Even harder than choosing the right people, I have been trying to avoid draining people’s energy. When things are great, this is easy. I can be bubbly, empathetic, and even crack a few jokes. When things are bad, I am an entirely different creature. I can feel the blood leaving Katya and Katya turning into an energy vampire.
One purpose I have is to be an energy donor more than an energy vampire.
We all are sometimes both. If you’re often enough an energy donor, people are empathetic when you show your fangs. Sometimes, people even get energy from taking care of a sad person.
But, we can all work on showing our fangs less and being more of a sunshine spreader than a creature of the night. This isn’t the grand purpose people often talk about, but I believe logically and scientifically it can have the most impact.
Co-Regulation as a need
I didn't expect my Purpose survey to cause so much anxiety for my friends, but I'm grateful it led to heartfelt conversations about purpose. These discussions made me feel more regulated and energetic. I believe they helped my friends too. I'm glad they opened up!
It's important to ask for help during tough times instead of keeping it to yourself! Your body and brain need help from others, just like needing to sleep, eat, and move.
If you're feeling purposeless, please reach out to me or someone in your community!
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett says one of the brain's main functions is to manage your body's energy budget. Your brain constantly predicts and allocates resources to optimize your body's systems. This energy management is crucial for survival and underpins all our actions and emotions.
Social interaction is one tool that helps regulate our body budgets.
Positive interactions provide comfort, reduce stress, and help regulate physiological states. For example, a comforting hug releases oxytocin, reducing stress and promoting calm.
Negative interactions deplete our body budget by increasing stress and anxiety.
"A hateful word may cause your brain to flood your bloodstream with hormones, squandering resources from your body budget." - Lisa Feldman Barrett.
If you can’t already tell, I read a lot of neuropsychology to cope with life and remind myself to leave my apartment because I need people for energy and health. Turns out, I can’t just sit alone in my apartment reading and writing every day!
I believe in my community's ability to support me, which is why I stay engaged. I also believe in my ability to support and help others. I see the impact I can have on others, just as they impact me.
Because of these beliefs, I think and write about how our community experiences and tracks activities, energy, and emotions. I often ponder the relation between energy and purpose.
Co-Regulation as a Purpose
This led me to a new question: could our purpose be about how effectively we help regulate each other?
Is it really that simple? Are we humans just animals regulating each other to keep living and propagate our kind?
If so, and stick with me, can one of our purposes be regulating the most amount of people?
Or regulating a few special people the most amount?
And wouldn’t the first step to that be regulating ourselves? (We can't regulate others effectively when we are too depleted ourselves).
And in order to regulate ourselves, shouldn’t we think deeply about the things we do and what kind of energy they bring us?
We should be purposeful about the activities we partake in, the people we surround ourselves with, and the emotions we construct.
When things are great
When things are overall pretty great, especially in nonreligious overachiever expensive apartments where many of my friends reside, then what is important to focus on becomes muddled.
But when things are “great,” it's the best time to reflect on your community, activities, and emotions.
In 2017, despite having a great apartment, good boyfriend, and stable job, I felt slumpy and purposeless. This was confusing as I didn't know what to change to feel better.
I noticed others felt the same, struggling with purpose despite things going fine on paper. It's hard to know what change will bring purpose when everything seems fine enough.
When we can’t predict what to change or how to change it, we feel anxious and directionless.
In 2017, I made changes that improved my health and mood. I balanced my consumption with creation and focused on activities that lifted my mood and energy. I leaned into working from home, moved more, created more art, and wrote more. I also focused on regulating my emotions.
Seven years later, I’m grateful for that self-reflection. I now have better instincts and can stay regulated through good and bad times. This work in 2017 helped me survive the challenges of 2020.
At 30, things are pretty great, so I planned the next five years. The things that bring me energy haven't changed, and I plan to continue them. I feel full of purpose and want everyone to feel this way.
Many purposes for many needs
Why do people struggle with purpose?
I have a few theories.
#1 We put too much pressure on Purpose to be just one grand thing.
Considering that every part of our body has multiple functions, it seems logical that our entire existence is filled with an abundance of purpose.
Your way to make money, if you need to make money, might touch on one purpose.
Whatever you do while relaxing, might be another purpose. Whatever you do with your community might be a third purpose.
It is far too much pressure to have one purpose!
Your brain and body have many needs for survival and various purposes to meet those needs.
After much reflection, I’ve decided that my “purpose framework” is much like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. I see Purpose as three levels of a pyramid—Regulation, Co-regulation, and Ego—all building upon each other.
Katya’s Hierarchy of Purposes
(in order of importance):
1. Regulation
Need: Increasing your own energy and regulating this energy.
This is your physiological need.
Without this, the other needs are hard to achieve!
For this, it really helps to know what activities power you.
These are things you do that give you a flow state and make you feel like time is a social construct and endless.
These are things that went beyond a delighted “so cool, can’t believe it exists” feeling , to a thought of “I’m connected to the world”.
These are things that make you want to do other things
you need to read about the thing
you need to talk about the thing
you need to make the thing
These are not things that you do to kill time, when in desperation.
An example of this is eating a whole bag of popcorn while watching a TV show! This is a great activity, and I highly recommend it. But not for the purpose of adding energy. (In general, if you only think of food as the only thing that brings you energy, you need to think deeper and work on your relationship with food).
For me, an activity is learning neuropsychology. Another activity is writing short stories. Another activity is watching live theater.
We can’t control much about life, but we can control having a number of activities that sustain us.
We can't control how long the people around us live. We can't control how long we live. We can't control if the next day will be good or bad. I couldn’t even control what country I would live in!
We CAN control learning about ourselves and creating a handy toolbox of activities for when we need them.
You need more than one of these activities! You need a whole toolbox.
I used to think my only energy-giving activities were writing, playing music, and dancing. Then, I lost the ability to use my right hand. It was rough. Everything that brought me energy was paused, and I was in pain. Things were bad.
I could have lost the use of my right hand for life—I didn't have ultimate control. Sometimes, disabilities just happen.
I recovered wonderfully, but it took a long while. I am grateful every day that I can use my hand without pain.
This is when I learned that reading about neuroscience also energizes me. Since then, if I can't get myself to write, play music, or dance, I read a few pages of a neuroscience book and feel better.
Some of my friends really struggled when the one activity they identified with stopped working for them. So, I can't stress enough the importance of being open-minded. You are meant to do many things, and choosing abundance leads to resilience and stability.
If you feel lost about what to do, think back to your childhood and try as many activities you enjoyed as a kid. From the Purpose survey, I learned that the things that bring people energy don't really change; they just evolve over time and grow in number as we learn more about ourselves!
2. Co-regulation
Need: Co-regulation
This is for love and belonging.
This is for the greater good and for giving back.
People find a strong friend group if they're the friend group type of person.
People have jobs where they can work with or directly help others.
People have hobbies where they can help others.
My work with the Terra books really fulfills this level. I get to give out bilingual books to kids who need them and help out refugees.
I also keep up my work with the mental health tool https://reframemythoughts.com/.
People volunteer.
The most universal answer to what brings people purpose is family, especially having their own kids.
A few people with kids took my survey, and each one mentioned their children.
I know kids bring me a lot of energy, and having a younger sister added a lot of meaning to my life that I can't imagine not having. So, I'm planning to have kids.
Many of my friends aren't sure if they want to have children, and I respect their instincts.
You don’t need any of that for this level! Just surround yourself with a few people who regulate you and try to regulate them back.
If you're the kind of person who "brings people joy," "is a very good listener," or "is the life of the party," you are probably already naturally filling this purpose level.
However, anyone can work towards being that person for others. It is a skill, like anything else.
3. Ego
Need: feeding the ego
This is for self-esteem.
This is for self-actualization.
This third level is about achieving some of the stuff that you need to achieve in order to feel confident.
I’m not going to pretend this level doesn’t exist or that you don’t need it. I'm just arguing that this level should be last on the priority list, coming after the others.
I definitely feel like I need this level.
For example, I feel like I need to grow my subscribers on this Substack to not feel like a failure, even though writing sustains my energy beautifully and consistently, while marketing completely depletes it. I market the Substack and then reenergize by doing something else afterward.
Another example of vanity is that I feel the need to look fitter, even though I know I am the healthiest I've ever been and should be proud, no matter how I look.
Maybe this level is about having a certain career for you.
Maybe this level is something to do with your appearance.
Maybe this level is about money or class or status.
Maybe it’s all of the above.
It's all okay! Just know that filling this level will only be effective if you fill the other level first.
When you have the level figured out, you can decide on a few things to prioritize per level, and make sure every day, most importantly, has something for the first level.
Here is what my Katya’s Hierarchy of Purposes Pyramid looks like this:
I am focusing on reading, writing, and exercising (level 1), giving out Terra books to children, attending more events to meet new people, and dating more purposefully (level 2), and growing my muscles, my Substack, and my career (level 3). Not every day includes all these activities, but every day has purpose.
This leads me to the second theory I have about why people struggle with purpose:
#2 We do not prioritize self-regulation and co-regulation, even though these are more difficult and more important.
For privileged people, the ego is the easiest to focus on and satisfy. They often succeed at this level.
If you work hard enough at a job, you can probably rise in that job. If you work hard enough on exercising and nutrition, you can likely have a body you’re proud of. If you work hard on your craft, you will see improvements. If you pay enough money…
It is easier to focus on the purposes fueled by your ego because there is often a clear plan that someone can teach you to achieve your goal. Additionally, people will clap and praise you more for those achievements. Almost nobody ever tells you, “Wow, you’re so regulated! Here’s a cookie!”
The problem is… without the other two levels, even if you are winning at the ego level, life won’t feel very purposeful. We are made to exist in a society. We need the people around us.
If you’re “pretty great” on paper but still feeling directionless, maybe you need to prioritize the other levels more.
Co-regulation is a tough middle level because it relies on other people whom you can't control. At least, for me, this one is hardest. I am eager to hear if you relate.
Regulating can also be difficult to plan because you first need to know yourself and what works for you. You can’t just follow what other people do! It is so individual.
This is why I prioritize self-regulation activities every day. I rotate between a few things I know might work, following a plan that is more like a menu I can experiment with, rather than a strict schedule. Even though it might be tempting to only focus on work or hobbies that feed the ego the most, I know that my most important need is not feeding the ego but regulation. When I’m regulated, I have the right energy to find success at all other levels.
Co-Regulation Party
Turning 30 can be rough, but researching, thinking, and discussing Purpose has been a wonderful distraction, motivator, and energizer. This will be the last post on this topic.
I am done emailing everyone who took my Purpose survey. It took me a month because I tried to match the response length with my reply, and people have responded with novels. Challenge accepted! This is wonderful because individual conversations helped me with co-regulation (level number two, score!).
I filled my first level by writing about something I’m passionate about and by doodling Katya’s Hierarchy of Purposes pyramid.
I invite you to create your own pyramid! It's fun! It can be a triangle! Or you can just write it out. If you send me your doodle or writing, I'll smile and learn a little about you. I can also feature it on my Substack and/or social media, which might help inspire others!
Meanwhile, I leave you with three very serious questions:
Who wants to cohost a "Co-regulation party"?
I love a theme, especially one that sounds like a cult...
We can go around and share our needs and Purposes. “Hello, my name is Katya, and one purpose I have for co-regulation is to throw cheesy parties”.
More seriously, readers have been asking me to host more in-person events.
If co-regulation is the need, what would a perfect event be?
Related - I just went to a Reading Rhythms party. I will be writing more about my time with Reading Rhythms later. I was sitting there thinking, what is the purpose of this event? Why am I there if I read alone all the time? Am I more or less regulated? What is the underlying purpose that brings people to try out new experiences like this?
And if we do come up with the most perfect event, how do we avoid inviting energy vampires?
You'll have to forgive me. I've watched a lot of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “What We Do in the Shadows”.
If you are a subscriber and have the answers, want to send a doodle, or have more to say about Purpose, just respond to this email. You know I’ll reply to you personally!
I hope you have more good days than bad, that each day is filled with things that energize you, and that you feel an abundance of purpose.
Purposefully,
Katya
Come co-regulate at my thirtieth in september!
some great words of wisdom about purpose. personally, I think finding your “purpose” is a matter of trial and error, it’s about trying and failing until your reach your destination. what do you think?