Pillow Fluff and Emotional Stuff
A bedtime story about fluff everywhere and sleepy thoughts on the importance of understanding emotions, asleep and awake.
This is a bedtime story for those who promptly read my emails as they land in their inbox. At the very least, I hope reading this post will put you to bed!
It's also an article on sleep for those who share my hobby of conducting small research surveys and writing about the findings.
Two weeks ago, when I was awake at 4 a.m., sketching a rearrangement of my apartment furniture due to a sudden dislike for my bedroom, I knew I needed to write about sleep. Also, I made a commitment to publish two pieces in March, and here we are on March 31, at 10pm EST with March’s post #2…
Let me preface by saying:
If you're the kind of person who winds down at 9pm, willingly puts away the most expensive & interesting rectangle, flosses teeth, reads with a mask, and finally snuggles up to her man, drifting into a peaceful sleep, this story is NOT for you.
If you're that kind of person and you're still reading my writing - aside from being very flattered that such a put-together person pays any attention to me, I'd like to kindly ask you once more to read something else.
I'm selfish like that - I write strictly for enjoyment. I won't enjoy the joy you'll feel from not relating to me! I don't even want to imagine your reactions to what I'm about to share because it ruins the whole experience for me. You can read something else I've written. Here's a piece I wrote about Memory! We all have memories.
Anyway, back to my story. I'm here to share the most mundane story about being the nightmare in one's own sleep.
I don't suffer from nightmares, nightmares suffer from me.
It's not very interesting to tell you a story about how I ruined my own sleep by doing everything wrong.
This story isn't about the night I drank an espresso martini too late, followed by a grilled cheese. Nor is it about the times I needed to dance to a song just because I had to move. It doesn't cover the hours I spent on my phone, watching “For You” videos featuring very cute kids who, 40 seconds in, reveal they have cancer. Those nights, I end up crying for these children I don’t know, using many tissues to dry my tears. Unsurprisingly, on nights like these, I hardly sleep well. There are many such stories I could share, but those are for another time.
Today’s story is about how I did everything right to ensure a good sleep! Although, not as right as those people who are definitely not reading this story, of course.
“Fluffy Dreams” - The Bedtime Story
Once upon a time, Katya was very proud of herself and her sleeping routine, and fell asleep peacefully.
Here’s what happened next:
I’m sleeping. I’m sleeping. I’m alone in my own bed spread out taking up all the space possible.
Until, I, still asleep, decide that my pillow I am putting all my weight on is way too firm. It was perfect before, for months, but now it’s not. Rude pillow!
I have three much softer pillows just inches away from me. Logically, I ignore them. It’s a miracle they survived the night…
Instead, what I do, is carefully unzip my pillow and haphazardly start taking the fluff out.
Fluff is now scattered everywhere.
Fluff clings to my oversized body pillow, the one I hoped would solve my sleep and emotional troubles.
It lingers on my oldest pillow as well, too soft to be useful, yet it has remained with me every night and I'm as devoted to it as it is to me.
The fluff has also found its way to my third pillow, which is just okay, and I don't recall how it came to be nor do I have any particular feelings towards it.
Fluff blankets my side tables and all of their contents, including my books and my birth control. It covers me from shoulders to toes, spreading from me to the floor like a sea of dandelion tufts. These tiny, floating particles drift across my room, transforming the chaos into something almost dreamlike.
I sleep so deeply that I dream.
I wake up in high spirits and well rested, but wheezing from inhaling all the fluff.
It takes me several days to clean all the fluff from the bed.
The cough has persisted for a week, disrupting my sleep for many days.
During those days, I order all sorts of sleep aids for myself, only to forget about them. It's dangerous to have a saved credit card on a nearby phone! I order pillows, sleep masks, and weighted blankets.
Every time an order arrives, I am shocked and I laugh at myself opening the package. My favorite half-asleep purchase is a protein hot chocolate mix, which I didn't even know existed. Did I really search for "healthy protein hot chocolate" on Amazon and buy the first thing that paid for an Ad? Almost certainly.
This week, I've been drinking protein hot chocolate before bedtime, telling myself how healthy this gross-not-hot-chocolate is and laughing at how I'm almost 30 with the energy of a toddler in their "terrible twos."
The joy of being an adult is even when you fail at parenting your own inner-toddler-self, you can choose to laugh at your inner-toddler-self with friends.
Ha-ha, me.
Even when you have full control and do everything perfectly awake, you're not fully in control of yourself while asleep, are you?
Sleep is one of my favorite things to think about.
I have logged a significant number of hours not sleeping and instead, even more productively, thinking about how I'm not sleeping.
I also enjoy talking about how I’m not sleeping and asking everyone about how they sleep. I recently gathered sleeping tips from our community and here they are below:
10 Sleep Tips from our Caring Community
Place your phone far away - Research shows that proximity to your phone may lead to distraction.
This is often challenging for me, but I fare better with tip #2.
Watch TV until your eyes tire, making it easier to fall asleep.
I recommend soothing shows like Gilmore Girls or my new favorite, the Durrells of Corfu!
While I don't have research to back this up, many friends attest to falling asleep to the TV and having a good night's rest!
Establish sleep rituals. Train your brain and body to relax and prepare for sleep after a bath, a specific scent, a stretch, reading, or journaling.
Parents often sing lullabies to their children to signal bedtime.
Habit stacking is becoming popular, and I'm a fan. If you're resistant to sleep, find an enjoyable activity to initiate your sleep ritual.
For example, my friend Clara dislikes brushing her teeth before bed. To get herself up to start her sleep routine, she FaceTimes me from the bathroom. We chat until her phone often runs out of battery and then, she goes to sleep.
Reflecting on the day's events and setting goals for the next day can help calm an anxious mind.
I find particular enjoyment in journaling for 10 minutes before bed.
Exercise during the day to tire your body, promoting better sleep.
I sleep better if I work out between the hours of 10 am and 7pm.
Take a walk and get some fresh air before bedtime.
Listen to a sleep-inducing podcast! I recommend Sleep With Me or Nothing Much Happens, but here is a longer list.
Sleep aids can be beneficial.
I use Valerian root, while some friends prefer Melatonin or a Magnesium foot spray.
Whether it's the effect of the aid or the ritual of taking it, if it works, it works!
Stronger sleep aids can provide further assistance.
When unwell, I take Alka Seltzer Night or Tylenol PM, which I find helpful.
If extreme anxiety strikes, even if I'm not physically sick, I sometimes eat a large, healthy second dinner, take ibuprofen, and sleep. Lisa Feldman Barrett supports this approach, likening it to treatment for an "emotional flu".
Most important - Don't let anxiety or guilt about your inability to sleep consume you!
There's no use in lying awake and feeling miserable. Instead, engage in a low-key activity. Read a book, watch a calming TV show, eat a snack, write or doodle.
Avoid starting a heated argument with another person. That is a high-key activity and you will regret in the morning. Trust.
Sleepless nights, whether you’re alone or sleeping with partner, don't need to be stressful. In fact, some of my best ideas have emerged during bouts of insomnia.
Rest assured, you'll catch up on sleep eventually.
Tracking sleep
Many of my friends talked about tracking their sleep in the last community survey. Our phones have many apps that can track our sleep and there are wearable devices that can be even more accurate.
I always felt anxious at the thought of tracking my sleep. Wouldn’t it tell me that I’m the worst sleeper in the entire world, and how would that help? I already know this! Wouldn’t I just get more upset?
How could a mere tracking app revolutionize my sleep? In a perfect world, I'd have a dedicated robot standing guard, ensuring I sleep soundly without wreaking havoc on innocent pillows — or impulsively shopping for their replacements online. Though, a spouse could arguably serve the same purpose. A spouse might manage, but the real question is: Who'll come to my rescue first?
Lately, after reading all the survey tracking responses, I have been reconsidering my blockers for tracking sleep.
My friend Alexa loves her Oura ring. She learns a lot of positive insights from it. For example, she feels reassured knowing that she sleeps deeply often and falls asleep fast (something positive she didn’t know), even when she sleeps fewer hours than recommended (something negative she already knew).
Would I have been less frustrated the next morning when I had to clean up the mess if I knew that my fun with the fluffy pillow helped me sleep well? Can a tracking app pleasantly surprise me?
Joyful nights
Recently, Alexa and I stayed up way too late, until 5 am!, talking.
I wasn't upset the next day about losing a few hours of sleep. It was for a wholesome cause. I made up for those lost sleep hours later.
The next time I couldn’t fall asleep, alone in my bed, I reflected on how when I’m having a joyful wholesome night, I don’t necessarily regret it the next day.
Prioritizing joy and friendship never fails me.
After staying over at Alexa’s, I wondered why I woke up feeling refreshed instead of anxious. This is unusual for me, as I typically experience anxiety when sleeping away from my own bed. I had braced myself for anxious dreams, but instead, enjoyed a short yet very pleasant sleep.
The Significance of Studying Emotions for Improved Sleep Quality
The truth is, I would love to control my sleep. I would buy a pill that could send me directly to bed, and dreaming even bigger, I would LOVE to to select my dreams as easily as choosing a TV show with a remote.
Unfortunately, you can't fully control your emotions that surface while you're asleep or how you'll feel immediately upon waking up in the morning.
Indeed, devices like Oura rings allow us to monitor our sleep. Some people even opt to sleep near others who can observe and provide feedback on their behavior. Still, even with all that tracking, our feelings and behavior upon waking are not entirely within our control.
Have you ever gone to bed in a good mood and woken up in a bad mood because of a strange dream? Or vice versa, gone to bed in a low mood and woken up feeling good after an oddly pleasant dream? We don't know why this happens. How can we control something we know so little about?
I've been studying the neuroscience of emotions extensively. A key insight I've gained is that the brain creates categories of emotions based on past experiences to inform how the body should react.
There isn't one specific place for each emotion in the brain, nor is there a single way to instruct our brains to react appropriately. If this were true, perhaps we could more easily tell ourselves to relax, fall asleep, decide what to dream about, and when to wake up.
But it is very difficult to tell even our awake selves to relax, isn't it?
"Relax!"
This word has never helped anyone. It has never helped a toddler. It has certainly never helped this almost 30-year-old toddler.
Tracking our emotions could be a great addition to monitoring our sleep.
If we have a better understanding of our emotions while awake, we might gain better control over them and consequently, improve control over our sleeping patterns.
Perhaps then, by collectively sleeping better, we could sacrifice fewer pillows, make less unnecessary purchases, and start fewer wars.
Perhaps, no one would ever be forced to leave the comfort of their bed, let alone their entire country and all their friends. Perhaps, we’d have less nightmares.
Perhaps, we generally would be less nightmarish as a humanity. 😔.
Life could be a dream!
I'm not sure, for I am not a scientist nor a fortune teller nor even 30, but what I do know is that after three nights of poor sleep, I feel like an angry toddler. I don’t know how I’m feeling and I don’t know what to do about it!
This is why I have big dreams about the research of emotions, and why I feel emotional about them. But we will chat about all this on a future night.
One step at a time.
One piece at a time.
One night at a time.
My eyes are closing. I'm off to bed now, uncertain of what to expect.
I am comforted by two things - that I can count imaginary sheep and that I can count on you.
I like to end my days with gratitude. I am thankful for a community where I can share my sleep experiences and late-night thoughts. Together we transform sleeping from a mysterious black hole into a shared learning experience. We make emotions feel less isolating, awake and asleep.
so Sleep well and dream big when awake!
With care,
Katya